Setting Boundaries for the Holidays

When I think of the holiday season, I imagine family, cheer, food, gifts, and (of course!), cheesy Hallmark movies. The holidays can surely be a fun time of year; however, the older we get, they seem to get more stressful. For many of us, we have to navigate dates to see loved ones, go grocery shopping, cook elaborate meals, decorate the house to Pinterest standards, bake cookies for the neighbors, find the perfect presents, spend too much money - the list never ends. This does not even include the drama and strained relationships that many families face.

When it comes to family members prying into our personal lives, divorced parents or grandparents making us feel guilty into spending as much time as possible with them, fawning yuletide cheer for the sake of not having an argument, or pretending you are the perfect parent/child/spouse keeping it together (when you are actually dying inside), it inevitably takes away the fun this season is supposed to bring.

Many boundaries are individually based, such as, "Don’t bring up calories or weight stigma as it will trigger my disordered eating thoughts", "Do not ask me if I am dating anyone or when I will get married and have kids", or “I will see you on this day as I have plans other days”. Some are set for the entire family, such as, "No talking about politics", or, "Don't tell Grandma that so and so is gay". Some may even be directed towards a certain individual, such as telling your spouse to help with the cleaning, cooking, or shopping to take a load off your back.

Whatever your boundaries are, the sooner they are set the better.

Now is the perfect time to set your boundaries. By voicing your needs and wants now prior to holiday gatherings, you are providing family members time to process and (hopefully) accept your boundaries - no matter how they feel about them. If your boundaries are accepted and respected, then great! You don't have to be on the edge of your seat anxious. However, if they are not respected, you do not have to sit there miserable waiting for an acceptable time to leave. You can leave right then and there! And you do not have to feel guilty about it. You were assertive and set your boundaries, you did your best.

Side note: Do not forget that we can also set boundaries with ourselves! Some examples are to have scheduled time off of holiday duties and practice self-care, allowing yourself to eat sweets without feeling like you had to earn them, or not allowing yourself to be in the presence of someone who makes comments that put you down just because you feel obligated to be with them. Your mental health and sanity are of the utmost importance, it is okay to put yourself first.

If setting boundaries is difficult for you, you are not alone. Knowing the correct language to effectively communicate your boundaries is a skill, and practice makes perfect. Be assertive and use “I-feel” statements (i.e. “I feel overwhelmed and I need some space for myself”) and be clear with what your needs and wants are. You may feel nervous, but setting boundaries is a form of self-care to keep you and your mental health at bay.

Good luck and happy holiday boundary setting!